Zombie-Proofing Your New Apartment


I-dont-do-toiletsZombie-Proofing Your New Apartment – Well, it finally happened – some scientist messed with forces he didn’t understand, and now the walking dead are everywhere, on the hunt for fresh braaaaaains! Since you’ve become somewhat accustomed to your cranium by this point, you decide to fight for your right to ponder. So how do you fortify your apartment against the impending zombie horde?

Your first course of action should be to access potential points of entry and to block them accordingly. The door is a no-brainer (pun definitely intended), so in addition to the usual locks odds are good you’ll want to barricade it with something solid. Since you don’t plan to enter and exit too often, try pushing the couch up against it, or better yet walk the refrigerator over for a serious reinforcement (just be sure to plug it back in).

Once the main entrance is secure, check on the windows. Even if you are on a higher floor, you should at the very least place some wood boards across the glass (zombies are resourceful climbers). No wood in sight? Break the legs off a chair if need be, or pull out some shelves from the linen closet.

Hopefully you had time to snag supplies prior to the undead attack, but it’s always advisable to keep a ‘zombie stash’ of canned food on hand just in case. Soup, fruit, peanut butter and other items are ideal, and don’t forget A LOT of bottled water. Even if the main water is still working, you should be prepared to boil it before drinking (who knows how many corpses are sloshing around in source?), and keep showers short and infrequent. Zombies have a keen sense of smell though, so don’t let your B.O. get too ripe.

Weapons are great, but if the plague starts quickly odds are good you’ll be regulated to whatever items are already residing in your apartment. The kitchen is a great place to start collecting your arsenal, with knives a perfect go-to for starters. If you happen to have any bottles of wine lying around, forego the buzz in favor of making a few Molotov cocktails (ideal for tossing out windows). Better yet, take that high-proof bottle of scotch your uncle gave you last Christmas, pour a few shots worth into any empty soda bottles you have lying around, and you’ll have a firebomb cache in no time.

Sports fans have a serious leg up when it comes to zombie punishment, as baseball bats, golf clubs and even lawn jarts all make great weapons. Apartment improvement gurus will find their hammers make perfect zombie smashers, and that nail gun might just save your brain someday.

Remember, once the zombie war starts it will be every person for themselves, but that still shouldn’t prevent you from attempting to save some of your neighbors. Try and corral a few of your favorite community residents into your new apartment fortress, bearing in mind the amount of provisions you have (sorry crazy cat woman in 3-B, you’re out). And turn that frown upside down! Sure, hell may be full, the dead may be walking the Earth, but at least rent is free!

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